5 Things That Will Happen when you Assert Your Boundaries
As an Enneagram 9 and Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I’m a notorious people-pleaser and neglect my personal and professional needs often. As I succumbed to chronic illness while approaching my 40’s, I knew this cycle had to stop.
Because boundaries mean something different to everyone, I’ll share my definition. To me, a boundary is like a summer cottage surrounded by a white picket fence with a yard full of wildflowers. It’s a warm day and a breeze blows through the open windows, rustling the sheer curtains.
The fence has a gate with a latch, and when something or someone wonderful is welcome, I open the latch to let it in. With a lack of boundaries or no confidence to assert those boundaries, I allow anything and anyone in, including the dangerous. Boundary-breakers crawl through the open windows, jump the fence, and trample my beautiful flowers along the way.
And suddenly every stranger feels entitled to a free meal at my table while I do all the work.
Types of Boundaries
Let’s do a very brief overview of the types of boundaries, which can be summarized into a few categories:
Physical
Emotional/Mental
Time
Sexual
Intellectual
If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) like me, boundaries are especially challenging because you’re not always sure what your boundaries should be until they’re crossed. A visceral reaction is a good cue. No matter what your disposition, if you’ve had caretakers who overstepped those boundaries or minimized them, you learned you have no choice but to let everything in.
So what happens when you decide enough is enough?
#1 People Will Get Angry
From childhood, we learn quickly that we don’t like to be told “no”, so it’s only natural you’ll be met with exasperated sighs, frustration, cancel-culture or downright hostility when you assert yourself, no matter how kindly you do so.
I’m a good listener and ask engaging questions because I genuinely care about the person in front of me. But when I become the constant source of free therapy and the relationship is a one-way street, I have no choice but to divert the conversation or walk away. I have actually timed phone calls listening to a lengthy vent session and never receive a simple volley of, “How are you?”
When I started to push back and set limits on what I could mentally and emotionally process, the response wasn’t pretty. Stand your ground, be aware of toxic people and limit those interactions.
It’s also important to make sure you aren’t the one exhibiting the same boundary-crossing behavior with them.
#2 You’ll Question Your Boundaries
When people get angry or push back on your boundaries, especially when they’re so used to crossing them, you start to wonder if you’re wrong.
Stop, breathe, and assess your instinctual reaction. Ask yourself if the issue at hand is an area you’re willing to compromise and what the true cost of time, energy, etc. you’d need to give up.
We often feel like we’re being selfish in setting our boundaries. Remember, boundaries are both inviting and protective. As an HSP, I require a lot of rest and downtime to be more creative, engaged and present in my day-to-day life. So when people keep pushing after I’ve repeatedly said no, it actively affects how I perform my job, how I love my husband and how mentally healthy can be.
#3 You May Push Your Boundaries Too Far
In a season of feeling more empowered as you assert your boundaries, you might go a little far in saying no. There are plenty of times to say yes if it doesn’t overstep an area that makes you uncomfortable. I never know when I’ll hit the wall with exhaustion so I will often shut down a conversation abruptly or tersely.
Setting up context before you have a strong reaction can keep a good relationship intact.
“I realize you have a lot on your mind today and need to talk it out, but I’m just not in a mental or emotional space to handle this today.”
#4 You’ll Feel Guilty for Having Boundaries
There are several toxic responses to boundaries that will induce guilt when you assert boundaries to someone who doesn’t love being on the receiving end. These behaviors include:
Minimizing
Shaming
Blaming
Victimization
I’ve experienced all of these, sometimes by the same person and often in the same conversation.
#5 You’ll Need to Keep Communicating Your Boundaries
I learned that it can take 5 to 7 times for a person to remember important information. But after several incidences of boundary-crossing, it’s time to resort to polite, but more direct responses.
Unsolicited advice (which I’m also guilty of proffering) can be answered politely with, “I’m not worried about it.” or “I realize you care but it’s not a priority for me right now.” to shift the conversation away from meddlers.
If someone is asking more than what you can give, respond with, “I’m willing / not willing to…?
Guilt-shaming into spending: “I’m on a plan to save money right now, but I hope you enjoy [activity] or I’d love to celebrate you by spending time together.”
Need to vent? Instead of jumping in, say, “I need to work through some thoughts. Do you have the space to listen.”
Resources on Boundaries
These are my favorite resources on how to identify and set boundaries while you journey to being the best version of yourself:
The Holistic Psychologist and her self-healers podcast
Book: Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
For HSP Entrepreneurs Heather Dominick of Business Miracles
